How to Deal with Social Anxiety. These are words that go hand in hand with Social Anxiety Disorder, but these are words that need not to define you. Life is too short to live in fear. If you feel that social anxiety is holding you back, then you. Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness, 1st Edition. A Books on Prescription Title Overcoming Social Anxiety and Shyness is a self-help manual for this common problem, which explains why it happens and sets out practical methods of resolving it.
Don't let shyness ruin your life Everyone feels foolish, embarrassed, judged or criticised at times, but this becomes a. How to Beat Social Anxiety. I just accept my new feelings of peace, contentment, and calmness. All these things that are happening to me seem overwhelming. But I've caught myself this time and I refuse to focus on these things. Instead, I'm going to talk slowly to myself, focus away from my problem, and continue with what I have to do.
In this way, my anxiety will have to shrink up and disappear. They always lie. That's why they're so scared I won't believe them. Their only hope is that I'll listen to them, believe them, and give them my power and attention. They feed and fuel themselves on my own old negative beliefs. If I don't accept and believe these old ANTs fears, they have no choice but to go away. The ANTS voice is magnified by my anxiety, fear, and depression.
To keep me feeling this way, the ANTS voice exaggerates, catastrophizes, puts me down, makes me feel guilty, robs me of my self-esteem, and makes my future look hopeless. These are all lies and it's time I stopped believing them. I must never listen to the lying ANTS voice. I know better.
They are a voice of negativism and defeat. They want to pull me down in the mud with them. I choose not to let them do this. They try to build on my own old feelings of depression and anxiety to pull me down.
They tell me that anxiety, fear, embarrassment, catastrophe, and humiliation loom around every corner. Thinking about making a public presentation brings on stark, gut-wrenching fear The ANTS love this one!
I can almost see them dancing in glee! And the ANTs thoughts love my anxiety and fear! Because if I believe it, they have me trapped, entombed, and immobile. I'll never get any better. And all because I'm believing false, inaccurate, irrational, lies from the past. I must never listen to the lying ANTs voice. All bullies like to see this happen to their victims.
I know better than that. I do not What can I do? It's trying to frighten and depress me. It's telling me more lies. I refuse to believe them. I've got better things to do than listen to a bullying liar. Notice that "arguing" is coming from the negative emotions. The ANTS are good at arguing Instead, I choose to refute and ignore these lying automatic negative thoughts. These lying ANTS thoughts can't keep on talking forever. If I don't pay attention to them, they have to shrink and shrink and shrink and shrink They hate it when I won't listen and fall meekly into place like I used to do Now I know better.
I'll not give in to lying ANTS thinking anymore. But remember: Since they are pathological liars, and since their enjoyment comes from making me miserable, they don't like to give up. They may try a few new ways to throw a roadblock in my path, to scare me, or to confuse me about my progress. This is simply the ANTS way of trying to hold on to me and to keep me as one of its disciples Instead, I'll say to those thoughts: "Oh, it's you again.
You can't fool me anymore. I know this is just another one of your tricks to try and increase my anxiety. Well, you can try all you want I don't care. I know that if I let them upset me, I am giving them strength and power. The ANTS voice cannot tell the truth. The ANTS voice is a loud and nasty bully: power. It lies to me. My ANTS voice constantly lies, and liars are loud and like to be heard. Once a year, the ANTS from all around the world gather to visit each other and to show off how much each of them has grown bigger and bolder during the past year.
The Annual ANTS Conventions are like sales meetings, whereby the ANT that has made the most "sales" or "commissions" by increasing peoples' automatic negative thoughts receives recognition, is greatly honored, and highly praised.
The ANTS whole mission and goal in life is to fuel the negative thinking that leads to anxiety, panic, social phobia, agoraphobia, generalized anxiety, obsessive actions and compulsive behavior and the related depression that goes along with anxiety.
So, at the convention, the ANTS discuss new methods and strategies to rip us down, tear our self-esteem to shreds, and make us feel completely hopeless and helpless about our anxiety. The ANT that comes up with the trickiest and most cunning plot to do this is always given a "special reward" and allowed to plague the people who have fully given in to ANTS thoughts, so that their lives are ruined and totally filled with fear and anxiety.
They are kept on a very short and tight leash by the ANTS masters. Let's listen to some of this year's convention conversations: Young ANT 1: "Hey, I've got another person convinced that he's no good, that he's riot as important as other people, and who doesn't think he has any control over his own life.
I've even got him scared to go out in public! Another one of our victims trapped? I love it! Clapping with glee. What shall we give him? Panic attacks? Social anxiety? Obsessive-compulsive thoughts and behavior? Two problems are better than one, I always say I'm excited now!
Maybe I'll win that award next year! They start out practicing and being persistent, but they always quit before they really get any better. Then, we've got them trapped. One more defeat makes them feel totally worthless and helpless and then they really give up!
You sound just like children! Don't you know that we derive our very existence from the lies we tell people that they believe? Every time you push too far there's a chance they'll get wise and then we will lose control. If the person ever fully realizes what we're doing to him, we're the ones who aren't going to have any power left When that woman he was working on got some help and realized what was happening to her, she practiced and practiced and practiced ANTS 2: hesitatingly "But what happened?
And where is the Destroyer now? And she wouldn't give up! Then she started "slow talk" and the "determination factor" and she actually practiced these abominations until they sank deep down into her brain and became automatic! I don't think I can go on She stood her ground, ignored him, and turned the other way.
She refused to pay any attention to him. He ended up on the old insect farm for ruined and defeated ANTS: exhausted, defeated, and so very tiny and weak that he'll never leave the institution until he continues to shrink further and further and finally dies.
That nasty, vicious anxiety woman killed the Destroyer for good just by changing her thinking habits and refusing to listen to him anymore. If our person realizes what we're up to and stops believing in what we tell them, then You'll spend the rest of your days on the dying ANTS farm with the Destroyer, feeling more and more miserable all the time, and continuing to shrivel up and shrink.
The good news is that you won't have to put up with the institution for very long. You'll grow so small and tiny and insignificant that you'll eventually just fade away into absolute nothingness. And no one will ever remember that you even existed They do not work, but I didn't know any better : 1.
Why should I be afraid of meeting other people or going to parties? WHY should I be uncomfortable at restaurants and other public places? Why should I feel out of place and awkward? I shouldn't, I told myself - and kept on insisting that it just wasn't right! I want to feel free and happy and at peace. I hate feeling weak, impotent and afraid! No one else I know has this. They can do whatever they want. I can't even make friends. I have no one to talk to about this.
It'll never get any better. I'll always be an outcast - I'll never have any friends! I'll be anxious, miserable, and fearful until the day I die! I didn't do anything wrong.
It's just not fair that I'm the only one in the whole wide world who has to suffer with this! I don't deserve to go through this. I never did anything wrong. I've never hurt anyone. I'm a nice person.
What did I do to deserve this awful stuff? When you have a severe as this, it is natural that you want to get rid of it all costs. Unfortunately, using these lines of reasoning is similar to throwing gasoline on a raging fire. This is why we call the solution to social anxiety a "paradox". The things you normally expect to do to get over social anxiety, only end up making the problem worse.
Aggression i. My aggression, struggling, and pressuring only made the anxiety worse. The more I fought it, the tighter its hold on me grew. That is why overcoming anxiety is counterintuitive; that's why we call it a paradox.
That which you resist, persists. The more you use a negative emotion to fight another negative emotion i. Remember how Dorothy vanquished the wicked witch of the West.
Remember how Mr. Spock saved the Enterprise crew from the alien energy source. That which you resist You found just the right place to set up camp, dinner over the open fire was great, and as far as you can see, the sky is filled with beautiful shimmering stars. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, you hear a loud, rustling noise You look up to glimpse a grizzly bear entering your campsite.
You do a double-take, because a grizzly bear is the last thing you expect to see. But there it is. Now, any sane person would be afraid. The adrenaline would immediately start pumping throughout your body, your thoughts would begin to race, and undoubtedly you would be sweating. But what is the safest thing to do?
The adrenaline tells you to run, escape, get out of there, move as quickly as you can toward safety. But another voice inside you is more rational. It says, "Hold on.
Slow down. Wait a minute. If I run, if I try to escape, if I move too quickly, I will be attracting the grizzly bear's attention. Since I don't want to aggravate the situation, I think it might be better if I stand perfectly still. Instead of running, escaping, avoiding, and fleeing out of fear, Have you ever played "dead"? Do you see the analogy? When anxiety comes to attack us, drag us down, create panic, intensify our worst social fears, speed up our racy and obsessional thinking The bear will catch you, claw you, maul you If you stand your ground and don't run, the bear is likely to leave you alone.
If you panic, throw your arms into the air, and flail them around, the bees will zero in on you, fly right on to your skin, and sting you mercilessly. So, what do you do when anxiety tries to attack and hurt you? Do not respond. Do not panic. Take your time. Say to yourself: "If I stay calm, then anxiety will not be able to sting me You have control over the bear and the bee. Use the fighting paradox to take anxiety down another peg.
Calm down, relax, cool it, move to the peace zone. Anxiety likes it when you fight back because then it has you trapped. The bear and the bee will claw and sting you if you fight them back. Don't get stung by the anxiety bee or mauled by the anxiety bear. Take it easy, slow talk, stay calm But it is an effective strategy for now - it's good to use it's helpful.
But, luckily, you won't have to keep doing this the rest of your life, so look at this as a tool to help you feel better now as you get the "thinking" cognitive strategies further and further down into your brain. This is a another paradox: When you feel anxious, panicky, or fearful, get physically active.
I know this sounds hard to do, because the anxiety makes you feel immobile, inactive, and exhausted, but think about it for a moment We know that anxiety is fueled by the rush of adrenaline a hormone in our bodies.
The best way to physically get rid of adrenaline is to become physically active and burn it off. If you can get up, move around, and do anything physical keep the focus on external things, not on yourself , this helps BURN the adrenaline off. The fear feelings are usually caused by another hormone called cortisol. The mixture of adrenaline and cortisol is not very much fun!
Cortisol is especially controllable by physical activity. Cortisol the fear feeling burns off easier when you get active. Any physical activity works: Jumping jacks, running in place, exercising to an exercise tape, running up and down the stairs, dancing around to music, lifting weights they dont have to be heavy it's the activity that counts.. I'm going to get up, move around, and get rid of this adrenaline.
I don't have to live with this stuff. I'm determined to keep moving forward and shrinking this anxiety for good! Stop beating yourself up. Comparisons are an ANTs best friend. I will move forward in every way I can.
Do not compare yourself to others. My decision is to use my new neural pathways - not the old anxiety pathways in my brain. My anxiety is like the wicked witch of the West. She has to shrink and shrink and shrink and shrink when I use my calmness and peace against her.
She has no choice! I accept myself for who I am and choose to move forward with my life. Some of the things I thought were hard to do are becoming a little bit easier all the time. Beliefs are saturated with emotion. That is, beliefs may be so strong or so powerful, so emotionally charged, that they become the truth. Those of us with anxiety usually have many, many beliefs that are not true. We usually say they are irrational. They are nothing but lying ANTs thoughts.
Therefore, we must move forward. We must start believing the truth. Your beliefs, too, must move in the direction of becoming more truthful and rational. Many times we can challenge our negative beliefs through short statements that are attitudinal in nature. These attitudes are already very close to being emotions. So, as deliberately and as consciously as we can, we want to be determined about these attitudes.
I choose to be healthy. I choose to believe my rational thoughts. I choose to believe the truth, instead of those old, lying ANTs thoughts. Use these "Attitude" statements against your old ANTs thinking. Practice on your tone of voice and allow yourself to feel your emotions shrinking anxiety down to size.
The "Attitude" statements can do a lot towards reducing anxiety by allowing you to take the pressure off yourself. For example, if you expect others to reject you, they will. If you expect others to like you, they will. You set up these expectations in your mind because of your beliefs, and then you automatically act on them and make what you expect to happen What you believe, essentially, comes true.
If you expect rejection, you tend to hide, to avoid, to stay silent, to be hesitant. Other people may interpret your behavior as a lack of interest on your part, or to the fact that you are "different" or "weird". If you EXPECT to be liked, you will be a little more outgoing, more friendly, more willing to take the initiative, and more willing to talk and be open. As a result of your actions, other people will see you as a nice, friendly person.
The negative cycle you are in may have convinced you there is something wrong with YOU. This is not true. The only thing you may be doing wrong is viewing yourself and your world inaccurately. That's why the cognitive therapy we're doing is vital. We need to What we give out - comes back. This is not meant to be new age or eastern mysticism.
What we give out - comes back. If we are hesitant, with us too. If we us. If we hide and unfriendly, "weird" It is a rational Let me explain. They are not reacting negatively to US as individuals Of course, we act the way we do because of our old beliefs and feelings As we are perceived differently by other people, our own view of ourselves will change as well. It will become more rational and more accurate. Although we have all had emotionally negative events in our past that have shaped our lives, now we can more fully understand that we can REJECT the old "conditioned-in" thoughts and feelings We all have had problems in our past.
But now, we have two choices. We can dwell on our problems, wallow in the emotional mud, and ruminate about them the rest of our lives, thus guaranteeing that we will be one miserably anxious, depressed person. Your present starts today - this very moment. Your present and your future can be quite different than your past, if YOU decide it will be different.
You are not as down and out as you think. Look at all the good qualities and abilities you possess. See yourself truthfully and rationally. The way you see yourself is the way you will be. In terms of how you see yourself, whatever you choose to believe about yourself, using common sense, will happen.
If you believe you can move forward, make progress, and keep getting better If you give in to defeat at every turn, and continue to wallow in depression and fear, this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, and you continue to set yourself up to be defeated.
Therefore, it will happen. Whatever you "set yourself up" for -- happens. The way you see yourself and the world around you is vitally important.
Let us become more rational and see the real reason others may react to us strangely. How you view yourself Let's begin to see ourselves more accurately and rationally. Unfortunately, I have never worked with anyone who didn't experience many "setbacks" on the road to full recovery it happened to me, too.
Let's put this in both physiological and neurological terms: Your OLD neural pathways the millions of nerve cells in the brain that transmit messages, thoughts, and emotions automatically lead you toward your old responses: anxiety, fear, and the related depression. This old pathway is tangible - it is real. It has now been mapped out in the brain by the very new brain scans. Since your OLD neural pathway was used for many, many years, it is normal that the thoughts and beliefs that traveled along these pathways, became ingrained, became habits, and became automatic.
However, when you began therapy, you also began to develop a NEW neural pathway. You learned new ideas and concepts. You read things that were hard to believe but were rational and positive. As a result, literally, millions of brain cells began carrying the new messages you were learning: the methods, strategies, techniques, statements, and concepts of overcoming social anxiety.
Your new neural pathway was being created. The more you use the NEW, and the less you use the OLD, you are literally changing the way your brain responds automatically and habitually. That is how we get over anxiety disorders - your brain starts automatically using the NEW pathways. It operates under the "use it or lose it" principle. If you use your new, positive pathway it grows stronger.
If you ignore and do not use the old anxiety pathway, it grows smaller. So, to some extent, we want to use what we know is best for us to continue growing our new neural pathway, and we want to avoid and. The old neural pathway is not entirely gone yet, so there is always the possibility that we might experience a "setback".
The worst kind of setback from your perspective is after you've felt good for a few days or a few weeks and the anxiety has been deflated and seems to be under control.
Naturally, you think you've got anxiety pretty much licked. The anxiety floods back in pretty strongly and you are left feeling defeated, deflated, and questioning your progress. What is actually happening is that through some old association or remembrance, your old neural pathway got stimulated, and the old consequence happened: you had anxiety - but this time it occurred when you may not have been expecting it which makes it worse, of course.
This "setback" is actually a sign of progress. It is a GOOD experience in the long run, not a bad one. It is important that you begin to view it in this way. Your old neural pathway somehow got stimulated or triggered, and your new neural pathway did not have enough time or strength to respond.
That is perfectly normal. You must call anxiety's bluff what really happened was a last ditch attempt at pulling you back into "anxietyland", to get you to believe that you are totally hopeless, that the therapy doesn't work for you, and that things will just stay bad forever. Your new brain pathway does not die out unless you totally give up. Even if you have a setback, your new neural pathway is there and will continue to grow.
This "setback" as painful as it was happened because of your two competing neural pathways. It is a totally normal experience that we all go through as we move forward. Here are some statements that fit the experience of having a setback: "I turn my back on my OLD lying ways of thinking and deliberately choose the new, positive direction I am moving. That anxiety response was a last ditch attempt by anxiety to grab me back - I could actually say that my anxiety panicked!
It is already scared it has lost me And when you don't respond to the old neural pathways, they will have no choice but to shrink to the place where they can't cause you the emotional pain and torment they did in the past.
These setbacks you have and your response to them are a sign that you are in the process of conquering the lying anxiety beast!
Look at it rationally and congratulate yourself. As we learn to deal with social anxiety realistically, and deliberately choose to get back on the horse again, refuse to wallow in the mud, and choose to continue on, we have taken another step away from social anxiety and toward healing.
Henri sat in the circles when religious chants and ceremonies were being held. He heard the blessings and the curses made by the shamans and voodoo priestesses. And Henri saw with his own eyes that when the leader made a prophetic announcement, it was accepted as the truth by everyone.
As his belief system grew, Henri became more and more convinced of his beliefs. It was part of his life. It was part of his daily conversation. He lived with these thoughts every moment of the day. Everyone believed them. No one challenged them. It did not occur to Henri that there could be anything different. As a young man, Henri was so strong in his beliefs that he could not be convinced that the shaman was ever wrong. To him, the shaman's words always came true.
He knew it. He believed it. He had seen it happen over and over again. The shaman was always right. Henri's belief system was very strong. Whenever our beliefs are as For example, if we believe we have anxiety and that we'll always have anxiety, then we always will - UNLESS our belief system changes.
Henri saw and believed, and his convictions grew stronger over time. He reinforced his belief system by going to the ceremonies, talking to his family, and conversing with his friends who also believed. Every thing Henri did and said reinforced his belief in the power of voodoo. To Henri, it WAS the truth. Westerners have always had a hard time understanding the "voodoo curse".
When shamans put a "death curse" on an enemy, it has been known to come true. When victims know they have been cursed, and they are a believer, life becomes an agitated, anxious wait for the inevitable doom that is to occur: death.
Interestingly enough, when an autopsy is performed on the person who was cursed, there is no logical reason for the death. The person has literally scared himself to death. The adrenaline and cortisol levels have gone berserk and flooded the body to such an extent that they cause physical damage, usually creating a massive heart attack.
But where did this fear come from? A strong belief! The power of belief is stronger than anyone realizes. There are many other true stories like this throughout human civilization and culture. Belief is a very potent thing. We live our lives based on our beliefs. Therefore, it is important to develop beliefs that are rational, healthy, strong, positive, and life enhancing. A strong belief always has a powerful effect.
It is important that we learn to turn the tables on the ANTs, so that we can begin believing the truth, instead of believing an ANTs lie. Lighten up and take it easy. This is NOT a life and death experience. Take a deep breath let go and just relax! The world is not going to end over this There is humor in almost everything Carry your worries out to ridiculous lengths and laugh about them.
Don't listen to anxiety feelings - they are ANTs lies. All you can do is your best - and then forget about it. The way I feel today is not going to influence the fate of the world today, tomorrow, or next week, let alone in the millennia to come. Your worry is not going to make the situation better I am who I am and I'm human.
So is everyone else. As a result of these negative, strong, inner anxieties, we tend to be afraid that everyone else can notice and is aware of our fears, too.
Of course, when we believe "everyone is looking at us" or "everyone is noticing that we're strange", we are just adding pressure to the situation. The more we TRY not to be nervous, the more nervous we get. Notice that this is another paradox. By using negative emotions, such as pressuring ourselves or trying to NOT be nervous, we ADD pressure to the situation We become nervous, we sweat, we turn red, we feel anxious, we shake.
Why are we doing these things? Because we've pressured ourselves NOT to do these things This is counterintuitive and is another paradox.
But it is true. This should remind us of the fighting paradox, because that is essentially what it is. Pretty soon, if we keep on worrying and pressuring ourselves, we find ourselves trapped in that negative "automatic" cycle of fear. Although this can be difficult to believe at first, our fears and anxieties are nowhere near as apparent to other people as they are to ourselves. In fact, we are blowing our anxieties way out of proportion in our own minds.
This adds even more pressure. Most all people with social anxiety have a very difficult time believing this because the emotions of fear and anxiety are so very strong.
It is many times the case that these physical manifestations are noticeable to no one else. It is the anxiety that exists inside us that makes us feel that everyone is noticing our fear and embarrassment. But it is not true. In some cases, our physiological responses ARE noticeable to other people.
Some responses are impossible to hide. Yet, these symptoms are never as bad as we make them out to be, and other people never notice them as much as we think they do. So, even if our nervousness shows, we have overexaggerated its importance to other people, because it seems so big and emotionally powerful to us. A substantial body of literature exists to support this. We are beating ourselves up over our own internal anxiety - many times that no one else notices anyway.
This may, in part, explain why it is so difficult for us to explain our problem to other people -- and why other people, including therapists, have such a difficult time understanding social anxiety. We look normally, we talk normally, and no one usually notices our fear and anxiety. In the cases where they do, it's usually something small and insignificant, that the other person doesn't even think about very much. However, we feel it strongly -- we know it's there - it is very powerful and emotional to us We need to start seeing ourselves more rationally.
It is made up of billions of nerve cells that conduct electricity and release chemicals. And the rational, positive thoughts are always stronger than the old negative ANTS' thoughts. You must choose to focus, believe, dwell on, and take in rational, accurate thoughts and attitudes. Most of us have spent years and years being controlled by ANTS - but now it's time to change our brain circuitry for good.
There's only one way to stop these automatic negative thoughts -- and that is by surrounding ourselves with rational, accurate, realistic thinking. None of us were born with social anxiety. None of us chose social anxiety. All of us would gladly give social anxiety up this very moment if we could. Since you weren't born with social anxiety and the automatic negative thoughts and feelings that accompany it, this means that you can learn to think and feel differently.
It means that, although it is not our fault we have social anxiety, at this stage there is no one who can get us out of this trap but ourselves. Put another way, you are not responsible for having social anxiety. But, you are the only one who can be responsible for your healing. Even at this point, you can choose some things.
You can choose to stay stuck in the social anxiety maze or you can choose new thoughts and feelings instead. Therefore, I think I'll choose those new rational thoughts instead! OK, this sounds good. I exaggerate it in my mind. I blow it way out of proportion. Now I'm deliberately going to focus on something else.
I know it does absolutely no good for me to worry. Worrying or anticipatory anxiety is an ANTS thought that can't do anything but lie to me. I'll be OK - I've always made it through alive. I've gone through events like this before and I haven't died yet. The positive, rational thoughts are always more accurate, strong, and powerful than the old ANTs lies. Notice, when you act, you need to move your thoughts "up" a little.
For example, say to yourself, "This is not as horrible an event as I once feared. This is an event I've had difficulty with in the past. But I'm a different person now. This event may still cause some anxiety, but it will be a little better than it was before. It is perfectly fine to say, "I have had problems with talking to strangers before. But we do not want to leave it there. We must continue. So, I am going neutral. You can add all the neutral words you want to this statement so that it will be a true statement that your brain will accept.
I am going to slow down, take a deep breath, use slow talk, and focus on what the other person is saying to me. I may have some anxiety, but perhaps it will be easier this time. Maybe it will be more manageable than it was in the past.
Maybe by slowing down I will feel more comfortable and in control. But we can not make the leap all at once. We can't go from years of negative thinking, to positive thinking with just a few statements or handouts. We must stay rational with our brain. So, turning the tables on the ANTs, part one, means that we stay rational and at least make our thoughts neutral concerning anxiety-producing events. I accept myself for who I am and what I am.
I accept myself for who I am because acceptance is the golden pathway to healing. I accept myself just the way I am today. I am a human being and there are parts of my life I want to change. There are parts of my life that cause me trouble and difficulty. Nevertheless, this does not change the inner "me". By accepting myself I am opening the door to healing. Therefore, I relax. I take a deep breath and peacefully relax. I am a good person. There is nothing wrong with the "me" inside the I accept myself, problems and all, because the more I accept, the stronger I become.
Acceptance is a powerful process. When I accept myself, I have opened When I let go and accept, there is a metamorphosis, a healing power. As I accept myself for who I am, everything else that is good, powerful, and positive fits naturally and completely into place. So, I accept myself the way I am today. As I accept myself, I will begin to change and grow. Without acceptance, there is only the struggling and the fighting of the past. I accept myself for who I am, because as I accept myself, I become a new person.
There is healing in my acceptance. There is power in my acceptance. My acceptance allows the flow to surround me with its natural healing and power. I accept myself because I deserve it. I accept myself just as I am so that I can move forward in peace, calmness, strength, and confidence. Acceptance is the key and the core of my progress. I accept myself and allow this natural pathway to emerge. I accept myself so that I can move forward. Acceptance is my strength and power.
Because you can expose yourself to anxiety-causing situations over and over again - and it still never reduces the anxiety. In fact, I was exposed daily to very large social fears that emotionally crippled me -- and facing my fears only made things worse.
Because I didn't face my fears in the appropriate way. I never knew how to do that. I only set myself up for defeat and failure. For many years I thought if I met a big anxiety-causing situation, stuck with it, and conquered it, I would be over my social anxiety. So, sometimes I tried this. You know what happened.
That big anxiety situation was too strong for me. It was too intense. There was too much anxiety for me to handle, and so I crashed and burned. My feelings about myself plummeted, I became depressed, and I was surer than ever that I would never get over this dreadful traumatic socia I anxiety.
By facing my fears in this way, I was handling the situation incorrectly, although I didn't know it at the time. I should have been facing one small situation, learning to be successful at it, and then moving on to the next small situation. After a while, all the small situations in which I became successful, turn into bigger situations, and my anxiety begins to diminish and no longer be in control. Many of us lives.
It some other but simply ARE exposed to anxiety-causing situations every day of our may be on the job, a social occasion, college classes, or necessary responsibility things we usually can't avoid exposing ourselves to the fearful activity is not enough. Exposure, by itself, done in the wrong way, means the anxiety NEVER goes away - even if we've performed that fearful activity every single day of our lives for twenty years!
We do need practice and systematic exposure. And we do need to gradually work up to meeting our fears. But the biggest mistake we and many times - therapists make, is to force a person to meet their fears before they are ready.
Everything we do in this series is leading toward overcoming social anxiety. So, why haven't I suggested that you go out and make a speech in front of a hundred people yet? Answer: Because most of you are not ready to do that yet. But you may be ready to talk to that one person you've never talked to before.
The secret to this "face your fears" analogy is that you can only face one fear at a time, and it needs to be a small fear to start with. We must always move up the pyramid or hierarchy slowly and in a deliberate, well-planned-out manner. For example, if I don't feel I can introduce myself to a small group, I may be ready to introduce myself to one new person, depending on the situation and circumstances. By taking each new step slowly as it comes along, and repeating it, I am working against my anxiety in a positive, permanent way.
I always tell my people during their first appointment, "Go ahead and avoid things for now. Because they are not ready for big anxiety steps. They need to get the cognitive strategies in their heads first, before they move out into the real world.
And when they do move out into the world, it needs to be slowly and within the boundaries of common sense. Success builds upon success; it never builds upon failure.
In case you're wondering, people do eventually face their fears slowly, and in order, until they feel successful and more confident with each one. As they feel successful and more confident, they want to move up their ladder or hierarchy, to try another anxiety-causing situation. To turn the tables on the ANTs we must stay rational and we must move slowly, but systematically, forward.
If we continue to reinforce our anxiety, the real life fears that we face will grow stronger. That's why we can and have been exposed in the past to many highlyanxiety arousing situations - and even though we went through them time and time again - this "exposure" to a fearful situation did not make us any less fearful. We were still just as afraid of the situation after we did it the hundredth time as we were when we did it the first. In order to get over these fears, we need to begin to change our thoughts and statements about what we're doing behaviorally or how we are acting.
For example, speaking in public is something most people with social anxiety find very difficult to do. But, if we constantly remind ourselves and our brain that we think it is horrible, scary, and anxiety-producing, then it will ALWAYS be horrible, scary, and anxiety-producing.
We are reinforcing our own fears and making them stronger every time we repeat this statement to ourselves. Why should we do that? It's because we've never been told this before. For over 20 years, I sabotaged myself. I kept viewing public speaking as a horrible, traumatic experience, even though I did it fairly well.
But just the thought of talking in front of a group of people brought up all my social anxiety fears.
My self-talk ran something like this: "Oh, my God, this is horrible. I'll be standing there in front of all those people and I won't know what to say. Everyone will think I'm stupid. Then I'll really feel like a fool. My words won't make any sense. I'll blush and stutter. Thomas A, Richards, Ph. Everyone will see my fear and and that will be even more embarrassing. The fear was always there. Every public presentation I gave was a nightmare.
I started days and weeks ahead of time having anticipatory anxiety. I'm scared to death. What if I open my mouth and my voice squeaks? Then I'll turn red. Then everyone will know I'm afraid. I HATE giving a talk! I sabotaqed myself. Instead of turning the tables on the ANTs, I turned the tables on myself and set myself up for defeat.
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